Some time ago (about a week), I put out an open invitation for you lovely readers to submit questions, to be answered by me, here. Unfortunately, the interest was poor to non-existent (you miserable buggers). Anyway, here are the few questions I did get, with some answers.
What is the correct way to eat a gingerbread man? With a knife and fork.
Do elves really wear those shoes with the curling tips? They do, their Winklepickers are creased.
Why is abbreviation such a long word? Because abbrev. looks silly.
If you wear a sheet for halloween are you a ghost or a mattress? Neither, you're a knob.
What is the speed of dark? The time it takes to punch someone's light out.
Can I throw a pie in justins face? Yes.
Does a jellybaby feel any pain? Not if you give it jellyparacetomol.
What colour are your underpants? Today, they're black.
Is the moon made out of cheese? Yes, it's moon cheese.
Does iggle piggle have nightmares? Yes, about Upsy Daisy having an orgy with the Pontipines and the Wattingers... the dirty whore.
Can I have some cheese on toast? Only if you make me some.
What's the sound of one hand clapping? It depends if there is anyone around to hear it.
What's that smell? Well, it isn't success...
Hello, is it me you're looking for? Sorry, wrong number.
So, thanks to the, ahem, THREE of you that actually joined in, and remind me never to bother trying this again. Ever.
Wednesday, 31 October 2012
Sunday, 28 October 2012
Monday Mix-tape - 29.10.2012
Hello folks! Back again, or discovering for a first time? Well, lucky you, whichever it is. With the current hulabaloo over Scottish Independence, I've gone for a Scottish theme...
1) Take Me Out - Franz Ferdinand
Probably their high-point, to be fair!
2) U16 Girls - Travis
One for Savile and Glitter!
3) It's My Own Cheating Heart That Makes Me Cry - Glasvegas
It's what I think my ex-wife ought to be singing!
4) Bye Bye Baby - Bay City Rollers
Get your scarves out girls!
5) A Girl Like You - Edwyn Collins
One I remember from Atlantic 252!
6) Mellow Yellow - Donovan
Nothing to do with custard!
7) Whistle For The Choir - The Fratellis
Purse your lips and whistle!
8) Why - Annie Lennox
If she don't know, how can we?!
9) 500 Miles - The Proclaimers
And 500 more!
10) Loaded - Primal Scream
I want to get loaded, and have a good time!
So, settle in with your Whiskey, your Bag pipes and your tam-o-shanter, and become an adopted Scot!
1) Take Me Out - Franz Ferdinand
Probably their high-point, to be fair!
2) U16 Girls - Travis
One for Savile and Glitter!
3) It's My Own Cheating Heart That Makes Me Cry - Glasvegas
It's what I think my ex-wife ought to be singing!
4) Bye Bye Baby - Bay City Rollers
Get your scarves out girls!
5) A Girl Like You - Edwyn Collins
One I remember from Atlantic 252!6) Mellow Yellow - Donovan
Nothing to do with custard!
7) Whistle For The Choir - The Fratellis
Purse your lips and whistle!
8) Why - Annie Lennox
If she don't know, how can we?!
9) 500 Miles - The Proclaimers
And 500 more!
10) Loaded - Primal Scream
I want to get loaded, and have a good time!
So, settle in with your Whiskey, your Bag pipes and your tam-o-shanter, and become an adopted Scot!
Sunday, 21 October 2012
Monday Mix-tape - 22.10.2012
Hello, only me again! Sorry, but it's that time again... Mix-tape Time!! I couldn't come up with a theme myself, and despite my invitation to you readers to come up with a theme from time to time, no one has bothered. So I picked up my phone, went to the music player and shoved it on random, and what follows is the first ten tracks...
1) How Do You Sleep? - John Lennon
John has a post-break-up dig at Paul!
2) Act Naturally - The Beatles
Ringo basically admits he can't act!
3) At My Most Beautiful - REM
Cor, I'm gorgeous!
4) Red Scab - Adam & The Ants
Punk scabbiness!
5) I Was Made To Love Her - Stevie Wonder
Stevie knows why he's here!
6) My Little Empire - Manic Street Preachers
Manics come over a little 'Napoleon'!
7) She's Crafty - The Beastie Boys
Either she's sneaky, or good with her hands!
8) Sunrise - Norah Jones
Ravi Shankar's daughter, did you know?!
9) I Feel Free - Cream
No restrictions!
10) Can't Truss It - Public Enemy
Totally un-truss-able!
There you go, a mix-tape selection that's totally random. Until next time!
1) How Do You Sleep? - John Lennon
John has a post-break-up dig at Paul!
2) Act Naturally - The Beatles
Ringo basically admits he can't act!
3) At My Most Beautiful - REM
Cor, I'm gorgeous!
4) Red Scab - Adam & The Ants
Punk scabbiness!
5) I Was Made To Love Her - Stevie Wonder
Stevie knows why he's here!
6) My Little Empire - Manic Street Preachers
Manics come over a little 'Napoleon'!
7) She's Crafty - The Beastie Boys
Either she's sneaky, or good with her hands!
8) Sunrise - Norah Jones
Ravi Shankar's daughter, did you know?!
9) I Feel Free - Cream
No restrictions!
10) Can't Truss It - Public Enemy
Totally un-truss-able!
There you go, a mix-tape selection that's totally random. Until next time!
Saturday, 20 October 2012
Countryside Matters
I'm not one to deliberately court controversy, as you know, so I've put alot of thought into this post, fully aware of the emotive nature of the subject matter.
As I'm sure you're aware, the Government have sanctioned a test cull of badgers in the south of the country, the exact areas shrouded in secrecy to protect those involved from animal rights activists, who can be quite militant in their methods - remember the ones who stole the remains of a deceased relative of a family connected to the Huntingon Life Sciences laboratory?
The purpose is to try and prevent the ever increasing impact of Bovine Tuberculosis on our Cattle population. At a time when the numbers of cattle being slaughtered is reaching unprecedented levels, it's widely agreed that action is required. It is the method which is causing the upset. Innoculation of the Cattle population has been suggested, but this won't solve the problem. It has also been suggested that we attempt to innoculate the badger population - this has been deemed too expensive and too difficult (both the trapping, and ensuring against repeat innoculation, not to mention that this won't protect against those already infected). So, this leaves the final option, and the one the Government have approved - the cull.
In my capacity as an employee of a prominent Insurance company, this matter is currently the subject of advice and recommendations to protect our safety, being potentially in the firing line from the animal rights activists (although no cull is currently planned in this area).
Let's just think about this for a moment.
There are some things that need to be considered. Firstly, Cattle play an immense role in the human food chain - we get meat, milk (and consequently butter, yoghurts etc) from cows. Unless some action is taken, the cattle numbers in this country will not be able to provide what we need. What's the alternative? Badgers? Have you tried to milk a badger??!!
Do you fancy a Badger steak with your chips?! No?!
Also, Badgers aren't really the cuddly little creature you read about in Wind In The Willows, wearing slippers, and living in a tree trunk. They can be nasty little blighters! Let's compare:
As I'm sure you're aware, the Government have sanctioned a test cull of badgers in the south of the country, the exact areas shrouded in secrecy to protect those involved from animal rights activists, who can be quite militant in their methods - remember the ones who stole the remains of a deceased relative of a family connected to the Huntingon Life Sciences laboratory?
The purpose is to try and prevent the ever increasing impact of Bovine Tuberculosis on our Cattle population. At a time when the numbers of cattle being slaughtered is reaching unprecedented levels, it's widely agreed that action is required. It is the method which is causing the upset. Innoculation of the Cattle population has been suggested, but this won't solve the problem. It has also been suggested that we attempt to innoculate the badger population - this has been deemed too expensive and too difficult (both the trapping, and ensuring against repeat innoculation, not to mention that this won't protect against those already infected). So, this leaves the final option, and the one the Government have approved - the cull.
In my capacity as an employee of a prominent Insurance company, this matter is currently the subject of advice and recommendations to protect our safety, being potentially in the firing line from the animal rights activists (although no cull is currently planned in this area).
Let's just think about this for a moment.
There are some things that need to be considered. Firstly, Cattle play an immense role in the human food chain - we get meat, milk (and consequently butter, yoghurts etc) from cows. Unless some action is taken, the cattle numbers in this country will not be able to provide what we need. What's the alternative? Badgers? Have you tried to milk a badger??!!
Do you fancy a Badger steak with your chips?! No?!
Also, Badgers aren't really the cuddly little creature you read about in Wind In The Willows, wearing slippers, and living in a tree trunk. They can be nasty little blighters! Let's compare:
So, just to recap: difficult situation, action required, alternatives considered, controversial decision made. I can see both sides of the argument, but the over-riding message is that until a humane method can be found and proved viable, we have to do what's required to protect our cattle, and safeguard the future of the keepers of our countryside - the farmers whose livelihoods are so crucially in the balance.
It is also vital to say that this blog is entirely my own opinion and is in no way influenced, or representative of the views of my employer. And that's the truth.
Tuesday, 16 October 2012
A Little Quiz...
Because I'm bored, and I probably ought to be doing something with one of my many writing projects on the go, I've decided to have a little quiz with you all.
Name the ten sporting arenas below, and put your answers in the comments box:
Name the ten sporting arenas below, and put your answers in the comments box:
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| German Football Stadium |
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| NFL Stadium |
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| English Cricket Ground |
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| Brazilian Football Stadium |
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| Scottish sporting Stadium |
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| Spanish Football Stadium |
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| US Stadium with Musical History |
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| English Premier League Stadium |
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| English sporting Arena |
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| Aussie Cricket Ground |
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| German multi-purpose Stadium
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